Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
