i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
