I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
