You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
