I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
