nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
