Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
