If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
