I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
where are you?
Hypothermia
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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