yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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