I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
