I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
When did angry sex become our thing?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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