Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
