I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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