Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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