Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
