So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
