sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
