I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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