after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
