There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
