Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
