based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
