last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
