you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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