I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
