Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
