Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
