I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
