I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
