I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
