he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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