I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
