Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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