I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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