Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
