Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
