I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
