dude i'm inner monologue high
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
We had to coat check the pizza.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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