i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
