he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Randomize
