cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
