I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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