I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
