Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
