Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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