I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
