Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
