omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
