): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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