Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
